The Guilt of a Dreamer

My "dream list" includes spending time on every continent, gliding down the Amazon River to spend days lost in the treacherous jungles, translating the Bible for a people who have never held the Gospel in their hands before, packing up and leaving all of my troubles and struggles behind, growing old with my husband on a beach watching the sunset, and looking like Nicole Kidman when I am her age!

Those are just a few of the things I would love to do with my life. I find, however, that when I begin to dream these, or even less harmful dreams like a romantic get-away, a new outfit, or remodeling my bathroom, I begin to feel guilty.
As moms, I believe we become too accustomed to being the "nobody" of the house. Sure, we all encourage our obsessive behavior by telling each other that our homes cannot function without us...but in the process we lose who we are. It becomes a joke and laughing matter because we are lost as to what to do about it.  Our kids' and our husband's well-being come before our own. They get clothes before we do. School supplies come before our novel reading list. Their food tastes take precedence over our own. How they choose to spend free time becomes what we do. Their schedules become our schedules. We push ourselves out of fear of becoming that mom who neglects her children and puts herself and her selfish desires before that of the care of her family. We will not be that woman!

After time of living with this mind-set, we can lose sight of who we are - our passions, our dreams, our simple pleasures. When we begin to dream, our logic screams at us, "what about the kids!? How would that affect them?! That's selfish!" And then we feel guilty for ever dreaming at all.

I am writing this today because I think this is wrong. I think that God has created us with adventure and dreams in our hearts! I believe that we should be willing to take a look and see what else is out there, what more life can have in store for us! Give a little more room for yourself sometimes. You spend all of your time and extra money on your children - get yourself a gift sometimes! Plan a night out for yourself or you and your spouse! Don't be afraid to be a woman with her own dreams and desires. This doesn't necessarily mean packing up and heading out to some remote island (though it might!) but it may include breaking the unhealthy walls of the rooms we have built ourselves into. What we might find is that our marriages are strengthened because we return to being the woman our husbands married. We may make our children proud of our accomplishments and give them inspiration to reach their own goals and dreams. You may find fulfillment and pleasure in your life that you had given up hope of ever having.

Dream big!

I'm That Little Girl

I have been so frustrated this whole week. My Princess has entered into a stage where she moves slower than a sloth to do anything and absolutely nothing can motivate her to accomplish the things she needs to in a day - getting ready in the morning, caring for pets, doing her school work. The lost privileges and consequences have no effect. She simply doesn't care and doesn't understand why she should. I want to pull my hair out in exasperation at trying to get her to realize that she is missing out on so much good stuff in life by draaaaaaaagggging out the work!



Flashback. There was once another little girl just like this - me. I clearly remember being about eight years old, standing on a giant rock in the middle of my grandmother's garden, performing a song at the top of my lungs with the world as my audience. I was free! It was fun! Problem? I was supposed to be weeding the garden. My grandmother had told me that if I pulled the weeds from her flowerbed she would pay me and also take me to the movies that evening. I remember her coming out of the house time and time again to urge me to get the work done...to hurry...to stay focused and motivated. I never understood until now.

I am still that little girl. It has occurred to me that we are all like this in our spiritual walks. God is constantly urging us to do more, make more of ourselves. Our response? We would rather waste time on things that don't matter, wallow in irrelevance and get sidetracked by everything else around us! Chores, status, finances, jobs, relationships, gossip, possessions...the list could go on and on. God doesn't encourage us to push these things aside and focus on His Kingdom because He is just a big meanie! He does it because he knows that if we focus on what is truly important, if we work hard and get "things" done, then there will be rewards! Life will be more exciting and fulfilling! 

Stop dragging your feet and get busy! You've got a life to live!

You Will Never Be Good Enough

Yep, you read that right. You will never be good enough. Now hold on before you click to some other link that is more upbeat and cheery. This really is a pep-talk!

I have always been that girl that has to do everything right. I actually get very upset if I don't accomplish what I wanted to. It was great when I was younger going through school. It got me good grades. It kept me from making stupid decisions (most of the time). You get the picture. However, as a mom, it has not been a great quality to have. Of course we should always strive to do our best, but my problem was that if I didn't have all the items on my to-do list checked off, if my house wasn't up to "par," if my kids were having "one of those days," even if I were sick and didn't get my ducks in a row...I felt like I had failed. I was a failure as a mom. I was a failure as a wife. I was just a failure.

Well, in a way, the Bible says that is true. Let's explore:

Isaiah 64:6 says, "For all of us have become like one who is unclean, And all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment;"

Ephesians 2:8-9 says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast."

We can never be good enough! There are never enough good things that we can do to make all of our mistakes "ok." We can never serve enough or give enough to pay the price for our wrong choices. That is why God sent His Son.

This isn't a bad thing! It's grace! It is freeing! What this tells me is that I can stop striving! I can stop trying to be perfect. I can stop trying to be the perfect mom. I will never be. I can stop trying to be the perfect wife. I will never be. But, that doesn't make me a failure. It makes me beautiful. Yes, because Jesus blood has cleansed me and I am now in right relationship with God. With His Spirit in me, guiding me and sanctifying me, I am perfect. The way that I am now seen is not based on what I have accomplished, but on what He has accomplished for me. I can live a life without the burden of checking things off the list and focus on loving others and sharing this message of grace with everyone that I can.

Now, that is a pep-talk!

After a Time of Absence...

I know that it has been a long time since I have written a blog post...there's good reason! This past summer our family was blessed with a new home. It is a gorgeous old home from 1901, which I love! It has come, however, with the additional package of needing lots of TLC! So, between moving a family with young children, trying to maintain a "semi-normal" lifestyle of work and play, and starting another school year (in a new place!), and being married to the youth pastor (speaks for itself, right?), I haven't had much time for the extras. Along the way, however, I have learned many heart lessons, overcome many frustrations, gotten in too deep into projects and have come out with lots that I would love to share with you. So I decided to pick up my technological pen and paper and begin to write once again...

 



a time to tear down and a time to build...(Ecclesiastes 3:3)

 

 

This old barn is on the property where we have moved. As cool as it is, it is completely unstable and the insurance companies have all but demanded that it come down.  So today we decided to begin the painstaking process of tearing it apart (saving wood and lumber for this and that). Included in this process however, was the task of building a temporary shelter for our sheep, who are due to lamb next week! Using the materials we were tearing off of the old barn, we were at the same time using them to build, and setting aside other pieces to build in the future!

As I began thinking about this process, I realized that this is exactly what God does with our lives. It certainly sums up what He has done with my life this past 6 months! We often come to a point in our lives when we know it is time to tear down. There are things that just gotta go. I find it difficult when I am at this point to determine which things need to be "torn down." It is a task of prioritizing and can also be painful when you finally figure out which things need to go.

Once we have made it through this time of tearing down, God then begins to use those pieces of our broken lives to build again. Whether it is leaving a home to start anew in another home, getting a new job, terminating unhealthy relationships and building new ones, tearing down walls and buildings to make new, sturdier ones, (the list goes on and on and on!)...we then begin to build again.

So what I have learned that I would like to pass on to you today is this, do not be afraid to "tear down" because it is only then that you can build again. And our God is notorious for rebuilding things much better than they were before!

 

 

 



Reset

Have you ever had your computer freeze up on you? There is just too much going on in its intricate little brain, too many uploads, too much information, too many commands. My husband is notorious for losing work he's spent hours on because he forgets to "save as you go!" The worst for me is when I am in the middle of watching a movie (we do online tv/movies) and right when you are about to figure it all out - freeze.  I believe that we all learned early on those magic key-strokes (ctrl+alt+delete). Now the world of technology has a "refresh" button!

I believe that sometimes our lives are just like our overloaded computers. There is just too much going on inside our brains that we are responsible for. There are experiences changing us and teaching us. There are too many things that we must remember (shopping lists, bills due, children's extra-curriculars, laundry, dishes, church events, call your mother, feed the animals, did you feed the kids today?). And there are just too many demands! On just Monday I schooled my children, cleaned my house, took my daughter to her bread-making class, coached a soccer practice, rushed back over for a 4-H meeting, then made it home just in time to bathe the kids, read them their story, put them in bed, grab some food and ask my husband how his volleyball tournament went (they won 1st place!).

Freeze. Do you remember that verse from Psalm 46:10?
"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;"
I will tell it to you straight - we can not live our lives at top speed like this if we want to continue to have joy, purpose and fulfillment. We will kill ourselves. Our lives and the impact we have on others is a direct overflow from what is within us. If we have tapped into our reserve tanks and run them dry as well, we are in a bad position.  Last week we took our Easter break. I committed to do nothing that was not absolutely necessary. I laid around and watched movies with my kids. We had a week-long Monopoly game going. We ate...a lot. I read a book. I breathed.
Is it time for you, dear friend, to freeze for a little while?

Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
In Jeremiah 31:25 our Lord reminds us that,
"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”
I think that often times we get carried away with all our comings and goings. It is important that each of us take a time out and reset. On my wonderful Easter break, after I began to breathe again, I then began to think again.  I thought about my family and my children. I realized I had let a lot of the simple, but important things slip through the cracks while focused on the less important "pressing" things. I recommitted. Think about the things you do, why you do them, and what may be missing.
Here are a few things that I think you should consider when you reset:
Purpose - don't do anything unless there is a purpose. If the purpose doesn't fit what you want for your life, for your children, or for your ministry, then don't waste your time on it! (this would also be a good idea for you to think about what your purpose is for your life and your family)
Family driven - your children grow so fast. Make sure that the things you do now cultivate your family being united. Do things together!
Fill Your Own Cup - make sure that you include time for yourself occasionally. Make sure that this time is fulfilling to you, not a time where you are still giving. Have a ladies night out, go to a retreat, spend time at a book store with a hot chai latte (my favorite!). Fill your own spirit!
Cultivate Your Marriage - make sure that everything you do is working toward a common vision between you and your spouse. Make sure to spend time alone with your spouse. Make sure that you regularly have energy at the end of the day to devote to intimacy. Take time outs to do special things to remind them that you love them!
Good Isn't Always Best - The hardest part for me is to weed out the unnecessary when everything is "good." Sometimes something doesn't have to be "bad" in order to cut it out. It just may not be the "best" thing in your life right now.

Don't miss out on the beauty, the charm, the blessings of your life because you are too busy running through life. You know that old idiom "Stop and smell the roses." There is beauty flowing from everything around us, but we must take the time to see it.  Now, go ahead and hit that refresh button in your life!

I'm Back!

Hello! It has been so long since I have been able to be on here with you! Since January, my blog had something wrong with it. It would not allow me to upload photos or attach anything to my posts.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter!! I was able to take a much needed break from things. The month of March went by in a blink for us due to travel, sicknesses, and snow! Now here we are in April!

Now that I know that my blogging capabilities have returned, hopefully I will be able to get back on here and share more with you! I am so excited that spring is here and summer is coming so soon!

Blessings to you today!

Nicole

Desperate

There was a blow up at my house today between me and my six year old daughter. We are just alike. What I realized today, however, was that my children have, over the course of some time, become spoiled.  I never wanted a spoiled child, however, I have always striven to be the best mom I could be, sacrificing to give to them, etc. And now they believe that the world revolves around them and they do not appreciate anything that they have. But what is worst of all, my daughter has begun to lack passion for things.  Today I decided to make some changes around the house. We would begin to get less until we learn to appreciate that which we have. The initial response was less-than hoped for, but we are moving forward now.

Meanwhile, seemingly unrelated, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was telling me about one of those valleys that we all go through, when we wonder why God allows so much hardship to happen to us. Of course, my typical answer is that it is just the consequences of living in a fallen world.

As I was doing dishes, I suddenly realized that these two things are actually related to one another, extremely related. Let me explain...

We have all, at some point in our lives, been desperate for God. Desperate. As the breath that we breathe, we needed his presence, his hand in our situations, his strength, passionately desiring Him. Can you think of that time? I would bet money on the fact that this was not an easy time in your life. Quite possibly it was one of the worst times of your life. That is the connection.

Without the "valleys" of our lives, we would never experience that desperation and passion for God. If everything were peachy all the time, we would, like my daughter, lose our interest in everything, lose our appreciation for our blessings and our passion for life. Without tears, how could we experience pure joy and truly understand it? Without pain, how would we understand comfort? Without heartbreak, how would we realize true love - how would we even know it was true love without experiencing the loss of it? It is for no small reason that the saying "you never realize how much you love something until it is gone" or similar is so well known.

God wants to spoil us. God wants to give us everything. God does not want to cause us pain or suffering. But sometimes, for our own good, He allows us to endure it. This evening, my dear Spirit has spoken to my heart. I must change how I interact with my children. It is not good for me to give them everything. I must also change how I interact with my God. What do I need to strip away to be grateful of Him again? This is the focus of this household for now. May we in the near future be found desperate for Him.